walking shadows

I have over 2 hours backstage to kill. So, I thought that this is the perfect chance for me to catch up on my blog. Today, I thought I’d just put down what’s going on inside.

It’s been a weird week. I’ve been bombarded with crazy emotions. I’m not sure if guys have hormone fluctuations, but I could certainly claim this past 10 days as proof.  I’ve joked before about a pre-mid-life crisis, but this may be the real thing. Kidding. Well, Maybe not.

I’ve never been a super anxious person, but man anxiety has had its way with me lately. It’s like I’m questioning almost everything I feel. And feelings are at the root of my anxiety it seems. I find my heart drawn toward things that aren’t drawn to me. If I could sever this cord of assumed connections I would do it. But I don’t know how.

Old fears are creeping in. They mainly center on relationships. I have this huge fear that I need to pretend to be something I’m not in order for someone I care for to reciprocate. Let me explain: In general, I can be funny, happy, fun to be around, etc. But I do have a some melancholy that remains with me. (I know some facebook friends will say, some? You always seem down! I have a bad habit of only posting my negative feelings and not sharing the good ones. Sorry)  Anyway, It’s not always Eeyore-esque. but it’s there. I sometimes think that fact makes me really undesirable…you know…to girls. I know for a fact it does actually. I’ve had them tell me so. That’s no fun. So there’s that.

On feelings: I always seem to have the worst timing. When someone is interested in me, I’m hesitant. When I’m interested in them, they change their mind. I don’t want to have bad timing. I want the unrequited feelings to leave. I want to be wanted. It’s hard to pursue when you think the object of your affection isn’t at all interested in being pursued by you. And then you feel like a fool. Wasting energy and attention on someone who could care less. It’s no fun.

What else?  I feel like I’ve not been challenged as an actor in some time. I want to get better and grow and do things I’m good at but get even better at them. I haven’t done Shakespeare in 9 years. 9 years. I used to think I was good at it. Now, I’m scared I wouldn’t be.  I’d really like to do some film work. T.V., internet, just for friends, whatever. I’ve contemplated approaching an agency, but I’m not sure.

Well, that’s what’s on my mind right now. Except for family stuff. I think that deserves a blog all its own and I should save some material for the rest of this run. I guess I’ll go browse youtube now.

So Mom is scheduled for another surgery on April 20. This is a plastic surgeon who thinks he can repair/replace the damaged skin that’s causing her daily excruciating pain. The thought of another surgery is scary and I’m not sure there is any way I can get home before it happens. I feel like a bad son. I don’t know why this is happening. It’s one of those times when I stop and wonder if it’s worth it – being far away from family. It’s not like I can look around and go, “well, I have this and this and this here”.  Most of my friends are married or single females. So that means I don’t feel like I’m a big part of the day-to-day in anyone’s life. I guess I like to think that I’m meant to be doing this. That this is the thing I’m the best at and it would be wrong to not do it. But it’s acting. It’s hard to feel like that’s very important in the big scheme of things. I’d also like to think that I’m “called” here. Maybe I am. Maybe this is the enemy’s way of making me doubt that. I don’t know. I just know that it hurts to know that your Mom is hurting and you can’t do anything about it. It also hurts to feel like you don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. This could be a mid-life crisis thing. Why is all of this happening? Am I here for some reason? Did I waste a lot of time missing something else? Will I ever really know? Ok. A large part of this is that I’m sick. I’m a big baby when I’m sick. I always said I wasn’t but you know, I am. It’s easy to only see negatives when you’re sick. Feeling sick and lonely can make the glass seem broken. I’d like to get a half-full look sometime.

I keep clinging to Psalm 20. God whispered this one to me a few weeks ago when I was praying about all of this stuff.

¹ May the LORD answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.

² May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.

³ May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.
Selah

⁴ May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.

⁵ We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the LORD grant all your requests.

⁶ Now I know that the LORD saves his anointed;
he answers him from his holy heaven
with the saving power of his right hand.

⁷ Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.

⁸ They are brought to their knees and fall,
but we rise up and stand firm.

⁹ O LORD, save the king!
Answer ^[a] us when we call!

I think one of my big issues is waiting. It’s in the midst of waiting that I become weak and fall into this state of questions and lack of faith.

…But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”

²³” ‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.”

²⁴Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”

Me too Lord. Help my unbelief.

I can’t sleep.  I’ve been slowly working my way through this book.  I’m at the halfway point and I feel like I’m in a really weird place in relation to what I’m hoping to learn.  One reason I like it so much is because of its honesty. You can really see John Eldredge maturing as a writer as he shares his experiences in hearing from God.

My problem is that I feel like I’m having a mini-crisis in my faith right now. I’m reading a book about listening to God in a time when I feel deaf to Him.  There are times I open the bible and feel like I find nothing that helps. There are certain things I keep praying about that just seem to bounce off the ceiling.  Why is my Mom going through all of this stuff when so many have prayed for healing? I know it could be much worse, but why isn’t it better? Why is it so difficult to hear the voice of God when you want to hear it so badly?  Sometimes I feel directionless.  Sometimes I feel like God doesn’t care what choices I make. That’s my biggest fear.  For instance:  When I pray for Him to send me the person He has for me , that He says nothing because it doesn’t really matter who I date. Why does that thought terrify me? I think because I feel like I’ll just screw things up if I go with my gut and not His voice.  It doesn’t make sense. There are feelings I have and things I desire that never materialize. Are these wants wrong? Are they not from Him? Am I blind to what’s good for me? I hate to think of God’s will for my life as being akin to a child who needs to eat his vegetables.  What about that whole abundant life thing?

¹¹ The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. ¹² After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. ¹³ When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.

1 Kings 19

The hard part for me is shutting up my own mind long enough to hear that small voice.  When I can’t do it, I sometimes think it’s just not there. But I’ve heard it before. So clearly.

Is it just me being deaf or is the silence meant to teach me something?

Like maybe I should seek HIM and not just answers.