I can’t sleep. I’ve been slowly working my way through this book. I’m at the halfway point and I feel like I’m in a really weird place in relation to what I’m hoping to learn. One reason I like it so much is because of its honesty. You can really see John Eldredge maturing as a writer as he shares his experiences in hearing from God.
My problem is that I feel like I’m having a mini-crisis in my faith right now. I’m reading a book about listening to God in a time when I feel deaf to Him. There are times I open the bible and feel like I find nothing that helps. There are certain things I keep praying about that just seem to bounce off the ceiling. Why is my Mom going through all of this stuff when so many have prayed for healing? I know it could be much worse, but why isn’t it better? Why is it so difficult to hear the voice of God when you want to hear it so badly? Sometimes I feel directionless. Sometimes I feel like God doesn’t care what choices I make. That’s my biggest fear. For instance: When I pray for Him to send me the person He has for me , that He says nothing because it doesn’t really matter who I date. Why does that thought terrify me? I think because I feel like I’ll just screw things up if I go with my gut and not His voice. It doesn’t make sense. There are feelings I have and things I desire that never materialize. Are these wants wrong? Are they not from Him? Am I blind to what’s good for me? I hate to think of God’s will for my life as being akin to a child who needs to eat his vegetables. What about that whole abundant life thing?
11 The LORD said, “Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by.”
Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. 12 After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. 13 When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
1 Kings 19
The hard part for me is shutting up my own mind long enough to hear that small voice. When I can’t do it, I sometimes think it’s just not there. But I’ve heard it before. So clearly.
Is it just me being deaf or is the silence meant to teach me something?
Like maybe I should seek HIM and not just answers.
A book by Derek Prince has been helping me with some similar questions about prayer. http://www.amazon.com/Secrets-Prayer-Warrior-Derek-Prince/dp/0800794656/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top
It is bringing revival as I read and practice what I am reading. He also has some clear explanations about listening to G-d and things that can get in the way.
Also, the Lord has been speaking to me through Charles Stanley’s sermons about how to listen.
The last two sermons have been especially helpful. http://www.intouch.org/site/c.cnKBIPNuEoG/b.4943235/k.5E91/Life_Principles_Notes.htm
http://www.intouch.org/site/c.cnKBIPNuEoG/b.4943225/k.9234/Audio_Archives.htm
This is the one I meant to comment on previously….
I assume if you read books by John Eldridge, you’ve also read The Sacred Romance? I think this was perhaps Eldridge’s best book (well to be honest he totally lost me with Wild at Heart, but that’s a story for another day), at least as I see it, because it does such a remarkable job at describing the pursuit of God in our lives, and the role we play in receiving his love and pursuing him in return. So perhaps you’re right – you are meant to pursue God and God alone, rather than any particular answer to any particular question.
Not an easy task though – how can one pursue something that is only felt in the quietest of moments and in the stillnesses of our lives. It’s obviously so easy to function as if there is no God, or at least to start feeling like he’s too far away to really experience… which is something I struggle with constantly. Good thing he never gives up on the romance we have though – and I’m thankful for the constancy of his love.
So sorry, Jeff, to hear about the physical challenges your mother is facing right now. Obviously, I don’t know the details, but I’ll keep her in my thoughts and prayers. You wrote this post a month ago – I hope you’ve found some peace and perhaps some gladness in the last few weeks.
Grace to you!