So Mom is scheduled for another surgery on April 20. This is a plastic surgeon who thinks he can repair/replace the damaged skin that’s causing her daily excruciating pain. The thought of another surgery is scary and I’m not sure there is any way I can get home before it happens. I feel like a bad son. I don’t know why this is happening. It’s one of those times when I stop and wonder if it’s worth it – being far away from family. It’s not like I can look around and go, “well, I have this and this and this here”. Most of my friends are married or single females. So that means I don’t feel like I’m a big part of the day-to-day in anyone’s life. I guess I like to think that I’m meant to be doing this. That this is the thing I’m the best at and it would be wrong to not do it. But it’s acting. It’s hard to feel like that’s very important in the big scheme of things. I’d also like to think that I’m “called” here. Maybe I am. Maybe this is the enemy’s way of making me doubt that. I don’t know. I just know that it hurts to know that your Mom is hurting and you can’t do anything about it. It also hurts to feel like you don’t really have anyone to talk to about it. This could be a mid-life crisis thing. Why is all of this happening? Am I here for some reason? Did I waste a lot of time missing something else? Will I ever really know? Ok. A large part of this is that I’m sick. I’m a big baby when I’m sick. I always said I wasn’t but you know, I am. It’s easy to only see negatives when you’re sick. Feeling sick and lonely can make the glass seem broken. I’d like to get a half-full look sometime.
I keep clinging to Psalm 20. God whispered this one to me a few weeks ago when I was praying about all of this stuff.
1 May the LORD answer you when you are in distress;
may the name of the God of Jacob protect you.
2 May he send you help from the sanctuary
and grant you support from Zion.
3 May he remember all your sacrifices
and accept your burnt offerings.
Selah
4 May he give you the desire of your heart
and make all your plans succeed.
5 We will shout for joy when you are victorious
and will lift up our banners in the name of our God.
May the LORD grant all your requests.
6 Now I know that the LORD saves his anointed;
he answers him from his holy heaven
with the saving power of his right hand.
7 Some trust in chariots and some in horses,
but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.
8 They are brought to their knees and fall,
but we rise up and stand firm.
9 O LORD, save the king!
Answer [a] us when we call!
I think one of my big issues is waiting. It’s in the midst of waiting that I become weak and fall into this state of questions and lack of faith.
…But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us.”
23” ‘If you can’?” said Jesus. “Everything is possible for him who believes.”
24Immediately the boy’s father exclaimed, “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
Me too Lord. Help my unbelief.
I hurt for you today, Jeff. I saw tears in your eyes and my heart hurt. I so wanted to help you. Can I help? What can I do? Read Psalm 40.
If it’s any consolation, I feel like you’re meant to be here. You’re one of the best people I’ve known in my life, seriously; a combination of tough and gentler qualities that still encourage me, a married man.
I wish you were able to be with your family, too, as I’m sure all of us do. And we care about you and cherish your friendship and who you are.
Those verses are awesome. Above and beyond us and family and whatever life heaves upon us, His words are true and strong. I wonder sometimes if WE squeeze the glass too hard so it shatters in our hands instead of letting the Glass Maker hold it, the one who knows how to treat it … it’s a good thing He has a whole warehouse supply of glasses!
Get well, too, dude. Play some BioShock 2 and earn that Insect Swarm plasmid; it’s the best!
Also, for random hilarity’s sake, and if the embed codes work, enjoy some MST3K a song from the movie POD PEOPLE, and then MST3K’s parody of it. Classic. “We’re the pickle mile, we kick the nipple biss, steady as she goes, we’re flyin’ over trout …”