Backstage Thoughts: And lots of them.

I have over 2 hours backstage to kill. So, I thought that this is the perfect chance for me to catch up on my blog. Today, I thought I’d just put down what’s going on inside.

It’s been a weird week. I’ve been bombarded with crazy emotions. I’m not sure if guys have hormone fluctuations, but I could certainly claim this past 10 days as proof.  I’ve joked before about a pre-mid-life crisis, but this may be the real thing. Kidding. Well, Maybe not.

I’ve never been a super anxious person, but man anxiety has had its way with me lately. It’s like I’m questioning almost everything I feel. And feelings are at the root of my anxiety it seems. I find my heart drawn toward things that aren’t drawn to me. If I could sever this cord of assumed connections I would do it. But I don’t know how.

Old fears are creeping in. They mainly center on relationships. I have this huge fear that I need to pretend to be something I’m not in order for someone I care for to reciprocate. Let me explain: In general, I can be funny, happy, fun to be around, etc. But I do have a some melancholy that remains with me. (I know some facebook friends will say, some? You always seem down! I have a bad habit of only posting my negative feelings and not sharing the good ones. Sorry)  Anyway, It’s not always Eeyore-esque. but it’s there. I sometimes think that fact makes me really undesirable…you know…to girls. I know for a fact it does actually. I’ve had them tell me so. That’s no fun. So there’s that.

On feelings: I always seem to have the worst timing. When someone is interested in me, I’m hesitant. When I’m interested in them, they change their mind. I don’t want to have bad timing. I want the unrequited feelings to leave. I want to be wanted. It’s hard to pursue when you think the object of your affection isn’t at all interested in being pursued by you. And then you feel like a fool. Wasting energy and attention on someone who could care less. It’s no fun.

What else?  I feel like I’ve not been challenged as an actor in some time. I want to get better and grow and do things I’m good at but get even better at them. I haven’t done Shakespeare in 9 years. 9 years. I used to think I was good at it. Now, I’m scared I wouldn’t be.  I’d really like to do some film work. T.V., internet, just for friends, whatever. I’ve contemplated approaching an agency, but I’m not sure.

Well, that’s what’s on my mind right now. Except for family stuff. I think that deserves a blog all its own and I should save some material for the rest of this run. I guess I’ll go browse youtube now.