walking shadows

We all have low-self esteem moments. (Well, I think we all do) I have one from tonight that should be in a movie or something.
Here’s the picture: I’m feeling fairly bummed about some things when I decide to get some food because I haven’t eaten all day. I’m in line thinking about the things that are bumming me out when I notice the guy at the counter in front of me is all built and has really low body fat. He’s in his gym clothes. “man, I need to get to the gym,” I think. He’s also young and handsome. Cue the self-judgment. The cute girl waiting on him is smiling really big. “She never smiles at me,” I think. Increase the self-judgement. So here I am feeling like crap when I look down and realize that I had stepped in some and it’s also smeared on my leg. “Really?”, I think. Really.

I don’t know whats going on with my wacky subconscious, but I had THREE weird dreams last night.
Wanna hear about them? Of course the four of you who read this do!

Dream 1: I’m at some huge A.D. Players Event/reunion. All of my friends are there but I’m extraordinarily sad. Like I could FEEL IT for real. No one would would talk to me. I kept trying to sit by and talk to one particular blonde that I have great affection for but she kept ignoring me.

Dream 2: I’m a part of a truck driving company. We stop at this huge boarding house place. I can’t find a room to sleep in. I’m wandering around trying to find a place to sleep and I’m so tired but I can’t find anything. Edward James Olmos was there. He got a good bed. I ended up trying to design a graphic to save a young girls life. I have no idea.

Dream 3: I’m in my bedroom trying to catch a grasshopper. It vanishes but there is a big lizard. I’m not sure what kind it is but it seems friendly or maybe just wants to bite me. Then there are snakes. I’m trying to figure out how to get them all out and I wake up.

These dreams are like a double rainbow. What do they mean?!

This isn’t about anything specific. It’s more about a culmination of things over the past several years. People always leave. I guess that’s part of life. Maybe sometimes it’s for the best. I know some people leave because they choose to do so. Not like leave town, but leave being in your life. Maybe it’s what they need. Maybe I didn’t do the right things. I think I try to be true to what I feel but the truth is I move slowly. Even when I want to move fast, I’m afraid of the wrong move. Even when I think I know, I rarely do. There’s always a question or two or three in the back of my mind. “Is this good for me?” “What do I really feel?” “How can I even know?” I rarely know much. Except that I want to get it right. I have this picture in my head of a cosmic playbook, a heavenly prop list, a way my life is supposed to work out. I certainly can’t see it, but I tend to think it’s there. I’d like to stick to it if I can. I figure His plans for me are way better than anything I can come up with myself. Sometimes it’s hard to think that everything has happened for a reason when you don’t think that much has happened. I don’t like regret. But an age that begins with 3 or higher tends to make one wonder about the validity of past choices. Lately, what-ifs have been to frequent to appear in my head. I don’t want to think that the grass is greener. I don’t want to look at the grass. I want to look up.

I’m not sure if it’s my age, being a dottering old thirty something, or the weather, surprisingly cool, or this sentence, full of commas, but I’ve been rather nostalgic today.  Not, nostalgic like I want to go play goonies in the woods (well, maybe) but more like remembering choices and how they’ve brought me here. Maybe it’s dangerous, entertaining a headful of what ifs, but I can’t help it, a least for ten or fifteen minutes, so I’m thinking onto a keyboard.

I’m not one to shut doors and lock them. I think God can do what He wants when He wants. Just because something didn’t work out when YOU thought it should or would if it was going to, doesn’t mean it can’t later, when HIS timing is right.

However, there are some things that become so small in the rearview mirror of life, that you’re pretty certain they’re gone. Like I was in love with this one girl from seventh grade until maybe tenth or more. She’s never knew, never felt the same and is now married, so that’s not gonna suddenly come back around.

But there are those choices that haunt you. Those circumstances that make you wonder if your path has been altered. They make you fear that somehow, someway, you’ve managed to mangle God’s plan for you beyond all recognition.

Faith says it’s not really possible. Rain and fear and loneliness make it seem a possibility.

I know the past is often not the gold we see, but rather gold plate, covering a very plain surface. It’s easy to romanticize what you didn’t do or what you don’t have. but it’s also easy to wonder if you missed the boat.

I guess that’s where I sit. Wondering. I feel like I’ve written all of this before, and I probably have, but I only know to cling to His promise – the one about all things working together for good.

I have to believe that “all things” includes my regrets and my failures. I just wish I could see a little of the big picture from down here. Dottering thirty somethings need to know.

There is a feeling.

A fear.

It lingers just under the surface.

When rough patches come,

It rises to the top and rides the

Shockwaves of life’s unfathomable turns.

Its whispers grow loud when I look around

And feel like I’m standing still.

It is a fear greater than that of being off the path.

It is a fear of there being no path.

I took you from the ends of the earth,
from its farthest corners I called you.
I said, ‘You are my servant’;
I have chosen you and have not rejected you.
So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

.

From Oswald Chambers:
“What God calls us to cannot be definitely stated, because His call is simply to be His friend to accomplish His own purposes. Our real test is in truly believing that God knows what He desires. The things that happen do not happen by chance— they happen entirely by the decree of God. God is sovereignly working out His own purposes.”

There’s been a theme in anything I’ve felt like writing lately. No, not bad unrequited love poetry. But I could do some more if anyone is looking.
That theme has been “what am I meant for?”
I don’t like regret because it tends to build and build until I find myself holding a huge stack of “what ifs” that I simply can’t hold any longer. They’re too heavy for me. Chambers also said don’t let your past failures hinder your next step. ( Or something along those lines.) I think I might be doing that.
Anyway, thinking on the above essay, I’m beginning to think that maybe God isn’t going to answer my question until I let go of the deep need to know. Really asking so often indicates a lack of trust on my part.
I’m just not sure how to let go. It’s like I’m looking for constant affirmation. I want my adventure, my beauty to rescue and my battle to fight. And because I don’t see them, I think Im not worthy of them or, even worse, there’s not a plan.
It’s a conundrum. No doubt. I said before that I’m trying to live the trust. Yep. And it’s hard.